


I Don't Want to Know

by Melodious329



Category: Kane (Band), Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, hurt/comfort bingo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-19
Updated: 2011-04-19
Packaged: 2017-10-18 09:00:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/187199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melodious329/pseuds/Melodious329
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hurt/Comfort Bingo Square:  Multiple Personalities (Sudden Onset)</p><p>Christian and Steve have just bought a house together, but there are some secrets Christian still doesn't want to reveal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Want to Know

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I neither own nor know the real persons after whom these characters are created

Christian pulls his truck slowly into the driveway of his new house, their new house, his and Steve’s. Steve even left the porch light on for him.

The thoughtfulness has him shifting the truck quickly into park and rubbing his hands over his face, disgusted with himself. He didn’t deserve to have someone who actually cared. Christian had lied, told Steve that he was just having a drink with his coworkers after work tonight, but that’s not where he was.

He can still feel her hands on him, small and gentle, the way she rubbed up against him, breasts soft where they were pressed against his ribs. It didn’t go any further, not even a kiss, but Christian knew what he was doing.

Enough therapists have told him what his problems are. He’s sabotaging himself, running away scared before anyone can get too close, before he would have to tell Steve anything. Before he would have to talk about the insomnia, about how sometimes he can’t stand for Steve to touch him, how sometimes being touched terrifies him, sends him back to that scared hurt boy he had been.

It was going fine until they moved in together. They’d been together for a year, they just didn’t spend every night together. But when Steve asked to move in together, to really commit to one another, Christian couldn’t say no, not to that beautiful, hopeful face. Christian wanted that too, wanted to be with Steve forever. He couldn’t picture the rest of his life without Steve, and tonight realized he couldn’t picture anyone else in his bed either.

He’s just so tired of talking about the past, of dealing with it. His parents had gotten him all kinds of therapists as a kid, anything and everything he needed to move on, to have a productive life and loving relationships, but he didn’t want to deal with it anymore. He didn’t want to still be affected by it, to still be thinking about it. He just wants those memories, the first seven years of his life to be plucked out of his mind.

Quietly, Christian sneaks into the house, heading towards the guest bedroom. They’ve lived in this house together less than a week, but they’ve only slept in the same bed one night. Christian’s anxiety has been running rampant the whole time. Steve hasn’t asked about the insomnia, but he knows it’s just a matter of time.

He showers and brushes his teeth and heads out into the living room to grab the paper he hadn’t had time to read that morning. But it’s not the headlines or the sports page that immediately catches his eye. It’s an advertisement, an advertisement for Hypnotherapy.

His mind spins with the possibilities. What if this is the answer he’s been looking for? And besides, what could it hurt? He’ll call in the morning for the first available appointment.

***

A few nights later…

Steve walks into their house late after his dinner shift at the restaurant. The inside is surprisingly dark, meaning that Christian might actually be asleep. He’s almost disappointed that they won’t have their normal late night chat except that he knows Christian’s been on edge since they moved into together. Hopefully, sleeping means that Christian has relaxed some about their relationship. He’s been worried that getting Christian to live with him was going to be the end of their relationship instead of the beginning of their life together like he imagined.

So far he’s been giving Christian space, thinking that Christian is just scared of losing his independence. But maybe that’s not the right response, maybe he should be pushing for more closeness, showing Christian he wants this to work.

For now all he wants is to take a shower and crawl into bed with Christian. Steve knows Christian doesn’t like to be touched and woken up once he’s asleep, but just sleeping next to him and waking up to his face will be enough.

When Steve opens the bedroom door, he sees he’s already woken Christian who sits up, holding the sheet up over his naked chest and blinking sleepily at him as he turns on the bedside lamp.

“Hey,” Steve whispers with a smile as he walks over to his side of the bed. He watches as Christian seems to smooth his unruly long hair before he lets the sheet drop.

Stripping off his stained white button-down, Steve is surprised when Christian moves, getting on his hands and knees as he crawls naked across their king size bed. Steve’s not entirely sure what Christian is doing until Christian sits back on his heels, looking at Steve through long dark eyelashes as his hand gently rubs over Steve’s tshirt clad chest.

Steve’s smile widen then, lighting up his whole face. He and Christian haven’t had sex recently and this feels like an attempt to reconnect, particularly how hesitant and gentle Christian is being like he’s afraid of being rebuffed.

Then Christian’s soft lips are on his, wet tongue licking lightly over Steve’s mouth, hands delicately holding Steve’s face. Christian has never kissed him like this. It feels like a tease, Steve’s hand goes to the back of Christian’s head, holding the other man still as he deepens the kiss, forcing Christian’s mouth wider.

And Christian just melts against him, submitting so completely that Steve is almost worried that there’s something wrong. But then Christian’s hands are tugging at the hem of his tank, but strangely not pulling it off of him. Steve gets the hint, but he doesn’t give in immediately. He drops his hand to Christian’s ass, sweeping his fingers up between Christian’s cheeks as he nibbles the shell of Christian’s ear.

He isn’t prepared for the way that Christian arches hard, thrusting his ass back like a porn star. “So you want it back there,” Christian teases, and his voice sounds a little odd, breathy and high-pitched.

Steve’s trying to get his pants and shoes off while Christian goes ahead and gets out the lube and condoms, positioning himself face down on the bed with his hips resting on a pillow. Apparently, they’re getting right down to the fucking.

Christian looks at him coyly before stretching his arms up along the bed, his hands grabbing at the edge of the mattress as he rolls his hips down. Steve looks at the expanse of tan flesh and jumps onto the bed. Coating the fingers of one hand with lube, Steve lies down next to Christian, kissing a muscular shoulder as his fingers rub against the tight entrance.

Christian’s always resistant at first, Steve usually slowly opens him up with one finger while kissing and petting him, but tonight his finger slides inside easily. Sitting up, Steve holds Christian’s hip with his free hand as he adds a second finger.

Christian’s ready, pushing back on his hand, sliding his chest along the sheets. So despite his surprise, Steve pulls his fingers out, quickly sliding on a condom. With one hand he positions the head of his cock, pushing it through the first ring of muscle as he’s lying down, wanting to feel Christian’s skin against him.

Brushing away the soft curtain of Christian’s hair, Steve buries his face in Christian’s neck as he thrusts slow and deep. Christian’s plaintive moans are interrupted as he begs, his voice needy and high-pitched, “Harder, c’mon harder.”

Hooking his hands underneath Christian’s biceps for leverage, he thrusts harder and faster, feeling the force rocking through Christian’s body underneath him. “Fuck yeah,” he groans.

“Harder,” Christian responds, his voice even shriller, pulling his arms closer to his body as he clutches at the sheets. “Goddamn, harder.”

Steve starts jackhammering, his hips slapping continuously against Christian’s ass as he lifts himself first into a pushup position, then repositioning himself on his knees, gripping the bony juts of Christian’s hips hard enough to bruise. He’s sweating, damp blonde strands of hair escaping his ponytail and swinging in his face. They’ve never fucked like this, like animals and Steve’s worried that he’s hurting Christian but the other man just begs and whines and pleads for more.

His orgasm creeps up on him like an eighteen wheeler, white light behind his eyelids that obscures the ceiling as he tilts his face back, his body jerking, rippling as he buries his dick as deep as he can in Christian’s ass.

“Fuck,” Steve pants, drawing his dick out gently before lying back on top of Christian, supporting half his weight on his hands on either side. He kisses Christian’s still mostly dry back before he tips to the side, trying to pull Christian with him, turn over so he can finish Christian off.

Christian turns with him but then pulls away, getting his legs underneath him and climbing off the bed. Steve’s sitting up in concern and confusion already when he sees Christian’s not even hard, his thick dick swinging limp between his thighs.

“Christian? What’s wrong? I…” Steve trails off as Christian is too busy pulling on his clothes like there’s a fire. He moves to the edge of the bed, reaching out to grab Christian’s arms but the other man shies away. Not knowing what to do, Steve backs off.

“Chris! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…” Steve’s own voice is high-pitched now, pleading as Christian moves toward the bedroom door.

“I’m not Chris!” Christian says, only turning enough to shoot Steve a look out of the corner of his eye before he’s out the door.

“Christian!” Steve calls one last time, not knowing whether to go after him or not. “Goddammit!” he yells in the empty bedroom, throwing himself back onto the disheveled bed. He’s certain that the sex was just an embodiment of the difficulties they’ve been having, but still, he shouldn’t have lost control like that, no matter what Christian said in the heat of the moment.

***

Christian’s still awake, showered and dressed and fiddling around in the kitchen before the sun comes up the next morning. Steve actually has to get up early for the weekly staff meeting today so he likes to make a breakfast that Steve can eat on his way out the door. On most days, Christian has his breakfast alone so he can be at the vet’s office in the morning.

He doesn’t remember Steve coming home last night so Steve must’ve been really late. It would serve him right if Steve had stayed out to have a drink with someone else last night. It’s not like they’ve been having sex recently. Speaking of, Christian shifts uncomfortably. His asshole is red and raw, though he hasn’t had sex recently. He’d say it’s like a karmic punishment, but it’s probably something he ate.

It’s been a few days since he saw the hypnotherapist who swore that hypnosis could help. So far there’s been no improvement. He still remembers, he’s still worried and anxious about his relationship, he still doesn’t really want to have sex with Steve right now. He’s such a moron. Did he really think he could just be fixed with a snap of the fingers?

He’s finishing up a breakfast wrap when Steve comes out to the kitchen, looking surprised that Christian’s handing him a thermos of coffee. Christian doesn’t have time to ask what’s up when Steve grabs his arm, gently turning him so they can face each other.

“Christian, I’m sorry. Last night…I shouldn’t have, ok? I never want to hurt you.” Steve’s blue eyes are beautiful and earnest, genuinely distressed though Christian doesn’t understand what he’s saying. Steve’s hands gently hold Christian’s face, bringing their foreheads together before Christian feels Steve’s lips kissing his forehead.

When Steve withdraws, Christian knows that Steve’s expecting him to say something so he does. “It’s fine. We’re fine,” he reassures, wanting to make Steve feel better.

Steve’s smile is still sad as he grabs his things and the wrap before heading out the door. Maybe Steve really did cheat. Christian knows he’s been awful to live with on top of being a frigid bitch. He’s lucky Steve hasn’t just dumped him for someone else yet.

***

Steve worked the lunch shift today and Christian isn’t the vet on call tonight so after work they meet up with some friends at Steve’s favorite gay bar. It’s Christian and Steve on one side of the booth and Jensen and Danneel on the other.

Christian knows that Steve likes to hang out in gay bars because there they’re totally free to touch one another in public. And Jensen and Danneel don’t mind because they’re both fag hags anyway. Christian’s always teasing that Jensen seems more gay than either him or Steve anyway.

So Christian shouldn’t be surprised when he feels a hand on his upper thigh, but he is. Involuntarily he flinches, feeling for a moment that overwhelming fear and he’s trapped, trapped as a little boy who can’t get away.

But instead of panicking, Christian focuses on the feel of the floor under his feet, clenching his fingers on the edge of the wooden seat, grounding himself in the present. He knows it’s just Steve and he forces his eyes open, forces himself to look over at the blonde man. With a shaky breath, Christian smiles, putting his own hand over Steve’s and leaning into Steve’s side.

Steve puts his arm around Christian’s shoulders, pulling them together and Christian relaxes into the hold. He likes it that Steve touches him, that he can touch Steve out in public like this without any sexual tension. It makes him feel that Steve really does care about him. Christian just likes to be prepared.

Eventually he’s forced to move though, conned into going to the bar to get the next round. With a big put-upon sigh, Christian goes up, finding a place to squeeze into. But this time when he feels a hand on his ass, he knows it’s not Steve behind him.

***

Steve watches from the booth as a hand lands on Christian’s ass and a man slides in behind. He knows Christian hates that, when a person touches him without invitation, without even saying anything first. And Christian has a temper so he knows it’ll undoubtedly provoke some harsh words and Christian pushing the guy off.

Steve watches Christian spin around and deck the guy right in the face. Shocked, Steve is stumbles out of the booth as Christian keeps a hold of the neck of the guy’s tshirt, punching him again.

“Christian!” Steve screams, reaching out to grab Christian’s arm.

He jerks back in shock as Christian turns on him with his fist still raised. “Don’t touch me,” Christian growls menacingly.

Steve can’t get his voice to work as Christian storms away, shoving Jensen who was standing in his way so hard that the taller man falls back into some high-top tables.

When Steve finally recovers and starts to go after the other man, Danneel stops him til Jensen gets up.

“What the fuck?!” Jensen screams, pushing Steve a little in anger.

“Guys, we have to get out of here,” Danneel interjects, looking down at the man trying to struggle to his feet. She leads them all outside to finish the conversation in the parking lot.

“Is he like that?” Jensen yells, still angry.

“What? No, I don’t know what’s going….” Steve starts.

“Has he hit you?” Jensen interjects.

Steve almost rolls his eyes. “He’s not violent, Jensen. I don’t know what happened there, but that isn’t like him,” Steve defends.

He and Jensen have been friends a long time and he understands that Jensen’s always weirdly protective of his friends, but this is Christian. Jensen and Christian have a friendship outside of Steve. How could Jensen think that of Christian?

“Did you see him just now? You can’t stay there tonight,” Jensen insists.

“Jensen. This is Christian. That was a cry for help.” Steve stops, shaking his head and getting his keys out of his pocket. “I have to go find him.”

He’s surprised when Jensen grabs his arm, but he yanks it back quickly. “Fine. I’ll go with you,” Jensen demands.

“No. I think the crowd of people in there was part of the problem,” Steve says adamantly.

Jensen throws up his hands. “Fine. But you will call me every thirty minutes or I will find you both.”

“Whatever,” Steve says walking away.

***

Steve’s not surprised when he pulls up to the house and sees Christian’s truck. He didn’t think Christian really wanted to run away, he thinks Christian wanted Steve to come after him. Alone. There’s something going on and Steve needs to know what it is.

The porch light isn’t on, none of the lights in the house are on, he sees when he opens the door. “Christian,” he calls out hopefully.

He’s certainly not expecting to hear what sounds like whimpers and sobs, coming from the darkened kitchen. “Christian, where are you?”

Turning on the lights, Steve rounds the kitchen counter to see Christian curled up on the floor in the corner like he’s hiding, like he’s terrified. He’s hiding his face so all Steve can see is Christian’s back.

Like he would with a frightened animal or child, Steve gets down on his knees, crawling over to where Christian is slowly. Christian is obviously crying as well as obviously trying to muffle the sounds. He’s never seen Christian like this.

“Christian. Christian, look at me,” Steve commands.

The forceful tone seems to work and Christian uncurls just a little to look over at Steve with red, wet eyes. Christian shifts a tiny fraction more, enough for Steve to see a glint of metal. It’s one of their expensive knives.

“Christian, put down the knife. Now.”

Breaking out into fresh sobs, Christian turns completely to drop the knife on the linoleum. His hands are red, blood dripping from his fingertips.

“Christian!” Steve shouts, fear and horror making him spring forward to grab Christian’s wet wrist.

But Christian throws himself back, crying out in fear, his wrist just slipping out of Steve’s grasp as he hits the counters behind him.

“No! I’m sowwy. Don’t….don’t,” Christian says in a little kid’s voice. He’s trembling, the tears on his stubbled cheeks shining in the light.

Shock seems to freeze Steve’s heart in his chest. “Christian, do you know who I am?”

“No,” Christian says, full wet lips pushed outward. “I be good,” Christian whispers.

“Ok,” Steve soothes. “I need to see your arms, ok?” Cautiously, Steve extends his hands, but he doesn’t have to wait long for Christian to shove his own hands out.

“Jesus,” Steve whispers. There are deep, long cuts on each of Christian’s forearms, blood covering Christian’s clothes, smeared all over the floor. “What were you doing?” Steve asks, even as he’s reaching one blood-covered hand in his pocket for his phone. He has to call 911.

“It’s betta. I had to get the evil out,” the little voice says.

Steve can’t respond to that as the dispatcher picks up. “Yes, I need an ambulance. My boyfriend cut his arms…really deep.” Steve rattles off their address, saying they’ll be at the door.

He’s hanging up the call when he sees Christian kinda fall to the side, his eyes closed.

“Whoa,” Steve says, pulling at Christian to keep him upright.

“Steve.”

“Christian.” He’s responding before his brain has really caught up, before he looks up into blue eyes and sees Christian there. Steve can’t help pulling Christian closer then.

“What happened?” Christian asks, confusion all over his face. He lets Steve pull him close as he looks down at his arms, the blood seeming unreal, like those aren’t his arms.

“You did this,” Steve accuses. He just wants to understand what’s going on.

“I don’t remember,” Christian answers, the words coming slowly. He feels exhausted. “The hypnotist…” he says cryptically. “It all started after the hypnotist.”

“What? Why would you get hypnotized? What’d he do to you!?” Steve shakes his head, frustrated as he grabs at their drying cloths, but they’re not quite long enough to tie around Christian’s muscular forearms. “Goddammit!” he curses, maneuvering Christian’s limp body to lean against the cabinets.

“I wanted to forget him,” Christian’s voice has dropped down to a whisper again.

“Forget who?” Steve asks, whispering himself.

“My stepfather,” Christian answers, surprised at his own honesty. But this whole conversation feels like a dream. Shouldn’t his arms hurt more?

“You don’t have a stepfather,” Steve starts, but he’s interrupted by his phone rings. Thinking it’s the ambulance, Steve dives on it where he dropped it on the kitchen floor, but its only Jensen. Steve doesn’t let the other man get a word out. “We’re going to the hospital. Christian’s hurt,” he says and shuts the phone.

He looks up to see that Christian is passed out, but then he’s running to the door, letting the paramedics in.

***

Steve knows he won’t be allowed to see Christian, won’t be given any information on Christian’s condition. They’re not family. Still he drives himself to the hospital to tell everyone he can find about the hypnotist. He’s not sure if it has anything to do with Christian’s treatment, but it feels important for the doctors to know that Christian’s not normally like this.

But he knows that he has to call Christian’s parents sooner or later. When he walks outside to make the call though, he runs into Jensen.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now,” Steve says, all too conscious of the blood still damp on his clothes.

“Steve, I’m sorry,” Jensen tries.

“He’s your friend,” Steve blurts out. He takes a breath to calm himself, running a hand through his hair. “Look, I don’t want to do this now, not until I know what’s going on.” Steve lifts his cell phone. “I need to call his parents.”

“Let me drive you home,” Jensen says.

“No. I’m fine. He’s gonna be fine.” Steve doesn’t want to cut Jensen off like this, but he just wants to be alone. He doesn’t really want to talk about Christian’s behavior except with his parents and doctors.

Steve doesn’t even wait to see if Jensen leaves before he’s opening his cell phone. The Kane family has always been wonderful to him and he’s hoping they won’t shut him out now.

***

Early the next morning…

Steve meets the Kanes at a diner near the hospital the next morning. He offered to pick them up at the airport, offered to let them stay in Christian’s house, but they wanted to do things themselves. They had spoken to the doctors over the phone and already told Steve that Christian was going to recover but that they were keeping him for a 48 hour commitment and only allowing a few visitors.

“How is he?” Steve starts once they’ve ordered coffee.

“He’s…upset,” momma Kane says tactfully. “He wants to see you, wants to explain.”

“Can I pick him up from the hospital?” Steve ventures.

“That’d be great,” she says with a small smile.

“What about the hypnotism? Is that…gone?” Steve asks carefully.

Momma Kane takes a sip of her hot coffee. “Yeah, they removed the suggestion.” Steve can tell she’s being careful too.

“So it was all some mistake?” Steve asks.

“No,” Christian’s Dad offers. “Christian chose to go to the hypnotherapist.”

Steve’s confused. “He said he was scared, of his stepfather.”

“Christian’s adopted,” Christian’s Dad says openly. “When he was seven.”

“But he looks just like you,” Steve questions in shock.

“Coincidence,” momma Kane says smiling. “His stepfather’s rights were terminated when his mother died.”

“But he should have been taken away sooner,” Christian’s father’s dark eyes are focused on his black coffee.

Steve doesn’t know what to say or think. He had no idea. Christian’s a great guy. He has friends and a great job, a great family. He’s a little high-strung but nothing…nothing like this.

“He was this beautiful blue-eyed angel.” Momma Kane bites her bottom lip, just like Christian does when he’s upset.

***

At the hospital…

Christian’s dressed in a sweatshirt and sweatpants when Steve walks in, trying to tie the shoelaces on his sneakers. Steve can’t even see the bandages. It’s like nothing happened.

“Hey,” Christian whispers, sitting up and gesturing at the nearby chair.

“Hey. How you feeling?” Steve can’t stop himself from asking.

Christian tucks the loose strands of hair that don’t fit in his ponytail behind his ears. “Fine. Steve, I’m so sorry,” he says, getting to the point.

“What happened?” Steve asks. He needs an explanation before he can say anything else.

Christian nods in understanding. He owes Steve a lot, but he knows he needs to start with a story that’s long overdue. “My parents told you I was adopted?”

Steve nods slowly, hoping that Christian’s not upset at his secrets being told.

“I’m so lucky they adopted me. I can’t even tell you how lucky,” Christian starts, looking at his lap. “But the memories…it never stops. And I wanted it to stop. I should have just talked to you.”

“What would you have said?” Steve asks, looking into blue eyes as Christian looks up.

“I should have told you about the fear, that sometimes I can’t sleep or have nightmares, that if you touch me unexpectedly I’m five years old again and so scared that I might piss myself. I should have said that sometimes I just can’t have sex. We could have gone to therapy together, but instead…”

“Instead I was a coward,” Christian snarls, his voice full of his self-condemnation.

“The hypnotist,” Steve offers.

Christian nods. “I wanted the easy way, wanted the memories to just disappear. Apparently the suggestion was to let other people help me. But instead of letting you help me, I created other people in my head to help.”

“Multiple personalities,” Steve breathes, finally understanding. The persons inside Christian.

“But they took the suggestion out. I don’t…I don’t hurt myself normally.”

Christian stops talking like that’s the end of the story, but Steve still doesn’t know what to say.

“You can have the house, and everything in it. I’ll go stay with David. I don’t want to put you through any more of this,” Christian starts again.

“No,” Steve says. They’re suddenly too far apart and Steve moves to sit next to Christian on the bed. “You should have just told me, but you’re telling me now. I don’t want you to move out.”

Steve doesn’t wait for his words to sink in, he’s already pulling Christian into a hug. But he takes it as agreement when Christian lets his head fall in Steve’s shoulder.


End file.
